A Cunning Plan…

cunning-plan-weaselBloody Prince Salman’s plan to kill a pesky journalist was foolproof!  Lure him into a Saudi consulate, bring in a team to dispatch him quickly, disburse his body parts and send in a cleaning crew.  The news story would be “Journalist Mysteriously Disappears” which would vanish instantly in the news cycle.  There was only one spanner in the works…the Turkish government had the consulate bugged.

His fiance was the first to notice that Khashoggi went into the consulate, but never came out.  No problem for Salman, Khashoggi was “not in the consulate nor in Saudi custody.”

“We are ready to welcome the Turkish government to go and search our premises,” he said. “The premises are sovereign territory, but we will allow them to enter and search and do whatever they want to do. If they ask for that, of course, we will allow them. We have nothing to hide.”

Unsatisfied with the response, and for reasons of their own, the Turkish government endeavored to prod Salman’s memory by mentioning that they had audio tapes of Khashoggi being brutally tortured within the consulate, along with choice quotes from the consul, the killers and the doctor with the bonesaw.  They claimed, somewhat disingenuously, that they had obtained this incriminating bit of audio from a live stream broadcast from Khashoggi’s Apple Watch, which apparently had some magical features such as the ability to record conversations taking place in other rooms!

Salman and team spent the next several days staying quiet while feverishly searching for a plausible cover story, until Mango Mussolini suggested that if there was a murder, it was done by “rogue killers.”  Salman’s dad, picking up on the hint, pushed Salman aside and soon announced that Khashoggi was in fact killed, as the result of a “quarrel and brawl,” then quickly rounded up the fall-guys usual suspects  18 suspected rogue killers for an investigation.  Completely 100% not pre-meditated by Bloody Prince Salman!

Except today, video of a Khashoggi “body double” has emerged, showing another Saudi who entered the consulate dressed one way, and left the consulate wearing Khashoggi’s clothing and a fake beard.  In a tribute to Khashoggi, they cast Mustafa al-Madani who while being strikingly similar in appearance, sports a more generous crop of dark hair than the more coif-impaired victim.

“The best laid plans o’ mice an’ men gang aft agley.”

Update: Salman called Khashoggi in the embassy moments before he was killed. An offer too good to refuse?  Also that day the consulate called Salman 4 times, and

Update, 10/23/18: …and now they may have found Khashoggi’s dismembered body in the garden of the consulate.

The End Times are Upon Us

PatRobertson2-sawTelevangelist and fundamentalist christian holy man Pat Robertson has an unexpected advice on US Policy regarding the recent torture and brutal dismemberment of US Resident and journalist Khashoggi: ”

“For those who are screaming blood for the Saudis — look, these people are key allies…we’ve got an arms deal that everybody wanted a piece of…it’ll be a lot of jobs, a lot of money come to our coffers. It’s not something you want to blow up willy-nilly. You’ve got one journalist — who knows? Was it an interrogation? Was he assassinated? Were there rogue elements? Who did it?…You’ve got $100 billion worth of arms sales…we cannot alienate our biggest player in the Middle East”

Leafing through my tattered copy of the new testament, I only found references to Jesus healing and feeding people, driving out demons, loving neighbors and telling people to ‘turn the other cheek.’  I was also surprised to see Pat quoting Mango Mussolini’s lie about the $100B arms deal, as the ten commandments monuments that wing nut politicians are so fond of putting in state houses have an inconvenient clause related to bearing ‘false witness.’  Perhaps Pat has some hitherto unknown apocryphal gospel that lays out Jesus’ foreign policy (“Thou shalt not sanction a nation when there are jobs at stake”)?

Sadly, it isn’t just Robertson that grabbed a bonesaw to defend Prince Salman.  The Right Wing Media Wurlitzer immediately sprang to action, launching a smear campaign to paint Khashoggi as some sort of terrorist mastermind linked to the Muslim Brotherhood.  The talking points have been taken up by numerous prayer-group loving GOP politicians around the US.

Of course unlike Pat’s interpretation, all these events do appear to be in the bible, specifically the book of revelations:

And when (God) had opened the fourth seal, I heard the voice of the fourth beast say, Come and see.  And I looked, and behold a fat orange blob: and his name that sat on him was Dotard, and Hell followed with him. And power was given unto them over the fourth part of the earth, to kill with bonesaws, and with arms deals, and to incarcerate children, to giveth the fruit of the land to the rich and to fornicate with the whore of Babylon.

Startlingly accurate prophecy!  It goes on to talk about the rise of false prophets that worship the Orange Beast and “deceive many people.”

orangehellbeast

Fortunately, the book has a happy ending:

And the Orange Beast was taken, and with him the false prophet that wrought miracles before him, with which he deceived them that had received the mark of the beast, and them that worshipped his image. These both were cast alive into a lake of fire burning with brimstone.