The End Times are Upon Us

PatRobertson2-sawTelevangelist and fundamentalist christian holy man Pat Robertson has an unexpected advice on US Policy regarding the recent torture and brutal dismemberment of US Resident and journalist Khashoggi: ”

“For those who are screaming blood for the Saudis — look, these people are key allies…we’ve got an arms deal that everybody wanted a piece of…it’ll be a lot of jobs, a lot of money come to our coffers. It’s not something you want to blow up willy-nilly. You’ve got one journalist — who knows? Was it an interrogation? Was he assassinated? Were there rogue elements? Who did it?…You’ve got $100 billion worth of arms sales…we cannot alienate our biggest player in the Middle East”

Leafing through my tattered copy of the new testament, I only found references to Jesus healing and feeding people, driving out demons, loving neighbors and telling people to ‘turn the other cheek.’  I was also surprised to see Pat quoting Mango Mussolini’s lie about the $100B arms deal, as the ten commandments monuments that wing nut politicians are so fond of putting in state houses have an inconvenient clause related to bearing ‘false witness.’  Perhaps Pat has some hitherto unknown apocryphal gospel that lays out Jesus’ foreign policy (“Thou shalt not sanction a nation when there are jobs at stake”)?

Sadly, it isn’t just Robertson that grabbed a bonesaw to defend Prince Salman.  The Right Wing Media Wurlitzer immediately sprang to action, launching a smear campaign to paint Khashoggi as some sort of terrorist mastermind linked to the Muslim Brotherhood.  The talking points have been taken up by numerous prayer-group loving GOP politicians around the US.

Of course unlike Pat’s interpretation, all these events do appear to be in the bible, specifically the book of revelations:

And when (God) had opened the fourth seal, I heard the voice of the fourth beast say, Come and see.  And I looked, and behold a fat orange blob: and his name that sat on him was Dotard, and Hell followed with him. And power was given unto them over the fourth part of the earth, to kill with bonesaws, and with arms deals, and to incarcerate children, to giveth the fruit of the land to the rich and to fornicate with the whore of Babylon.

Startlingly accurate prophecy!  It goes on to talk about the rise of false prophets that worship the Orange Beast and “deceive many people.”

orangehellbeast

Fortunately, the book has a happy ending:

And the Orange Beast was taken, and with him the false prophet that wrought miracles before him, with which he deceived them that had received the mark of the beast, and them that worshipped his image. These both were cast alive into a lake of fire burning with brimstone.

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